


Of Self Discovery

by PastelJustice



Series: Queer Tokyo Ghoul drabble collection [7]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Asexual Character, M/M, Mentions of Sex, asexual Kaneki, healthy romantic relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-15
Updated: 2014-09-15
Packaged: 2018-02-17 13:32:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2311406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PastelJustice/pseuds/PastelJustice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt: Kaneki comes out to Hide as asexual after they start dating<br/>Short Drabble requested by Anon on my tumblr (pasteljustice.tumblr.com)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of Self Discovery

It took a month of dating for Kaneki to accept that something was off. With him. Something was wrong with him, broken in a way that it wasn’t meant to be. And it wasn’t the ghoul thing.

Although the ghoul thing didn’t really help. The problem was, he couldn’t do it. He loved Hide. He knew he did. He had for years, starting at the first time he was tackled into an embrace. Love was clearly not the issue.

But when you loved someone, you were supposed to desire them. And to a certain point Kaneki did. He desired to be close to the blonde. To hold hands, rub shoulders, let himself be pulled into an embrace. He needed the contact. Only after all the nights of cuddling with a good book, nights of just resting together did he realize how much he had wanted that stuff. He wanted to place small kisses on Hide’s cheeks and nose, feel Hide press lips to both eyelids, rub circles with his thumb just under his ear. Even his ghoul side liked it, liked leaving his scent in Hide’s hair or wrists or neck. A protective part of him that felt this would leave a good warning to others to leave what was his alone.

It was the next part that set him off.

He never really was certain of how it escalated. One minute they were cuddling, next they were past a border that made Kaneki stiffen and feel a touch of fear, his heart racing in a way it shouldn’t around Hide. Hide would then draw back, and huff an excuse for cutting it short. ‘I actually want to watch the movie you picked you know’. Sometimes it was as simple as ‘no I changed my mind, sorry’. He could have almost been convinced it was simply his mate being dysphoric over sex. Except that when asked if anything the ghoul did made Hide uncomfortable he was laughed off.

"I’ve never had a single person reaffirm my manliness more than you dude. And you try to so hard to know about this shit, I would have told you. It’s not like I keep many secrets."

Soon after the excuse of ‘I need to go call a friend’ Kaneki started his research. A week later he came upon ‘asexuality’.

Apparently it was a spectrum, full of people with the same reactions he had. And while he wasn’t certain where he sat on the scale, knowing he wasn’t alone was nice. He wasn’t broken, just different. The feeling of calm was washed away when he looked at stories of asexual’s dating sexual people.

The stories ranged from the tragic, to the horrific, with few landing in ‘happily ever after’. Most involved partners trying to push sex anyways, leaving when they couldn’t get it. Some ended in events so horrifying that Kaneki refused to think of them. Hide would never do that to him. Hide wouldn’t think he was so broken he would need to be fixed. Right?

No, he wouldn’t. But the average response? To just break up? Why wouldn’t he. People expected sex from a partner. They were raised with that thought. Relationships could live and die on how good one was in bed. And how could Kaneki blame his mate for wanting someone who fulfilled a basic requirement.

It was another week of this panicked thinking before they got to set up another movie night. Some documentary on squids, something Hide had promised would be cool. Halfway through the typical makeout progression began. He couldn’t help it, freezing up even earlier than normal. God his heart was beating a million miles per minute. He couldn’t help but think of how he looked. Probably like he was about to have a panic attack. He felt like it.

"Hey, hey bookworm are you okay?"  
"I can’t do this." He gasped out. "I’m sorry I can’t and I don’t know if I ever will but I’m sorry Hide I’m just not built like this."

"Alright alright, calm down. That’s fine. I can change the movie we’re alright." Hide said, rubbing a thumb on the back of his hand as if trying to ground him.

"It’s not the movie it’s this, us, not us because it’s not you it’s me I’m asexual I’m so sorry." He struggles to hold back a Please don’t leave me, only barely managing as he feels a few tears leak out.

He can’t manage to look Hide in the eye. He doesn’t want to see the look on his face when Hide decides it’s over. He doesn’t want that image. If he;s honest he doesn’t think he could handle it, can’t handle replaying it in his mind over and over. The words themselves will be hard enough to get out of his head. He didn’t need to add a face of utter disappointment or worse disgust.

It’s almost a shock when he feels arms wrap around him, drawing him tight to a warm chest. “Oh god that’s fine. Shh it’s fine. Kaneki what did you think I would- oh Ken.” The blonde sighs, pressing a cheek to dark hair as he waits for soft hiccups to calm. Kaneki can’t tell why he’s so upset, can’t tell if it’s relief or just all the stress leaving him. “Hey, listen. I know I don’t know alot right now. But I’ll learn okay? Least I can do right? I mean when I told you I didn’t always look like the handsome stud you see today you cracked open every book and resource you could find. I still love you, just give me a week so I can know exactly comes along with the person I love.”

Kaneki nodded slightly, already feeling a bit like he’d been thrown against a wall. He wouldn’t be able to say thank you, not tonight. But Hide would be able to feel it, from the way the ghoul stayed so firmly attached to him until sleep came.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so I’ll admit anon that this is a rather close subject to my heart. The decision to come out to a partner as ace is extremely difficult, and one I’ve gone through. My partner left me due to my sexuality, but after I was able to come to terms with the fact he had been sexually abusive. So if this is a little bit wish fulfillment, how I wish my relationship had gone, I’m sorry. But hopefully I can write a healthy relationship here. It’s exactly 1000 words. In like under an hour. Wow. This, kinda ran away from me. But it was very therapeutic. So thanks anon.


End file.
